tuesday, june 16th, 2009 · cmnt · 4 i lied, i don't think i can. one of my favorite people in the world told me that she wouldn't think less of me if i didn't. everyone else has said to forget it, that it's a waste of time and energy and pain. and it probably is. i will get it right some time, but when it's right. i feel kind of strange. i get so incredibly caught up in movies lately--really stupid movies that are absolutely nothing like real life. maybe that's the point. maybe there's just not enough going on in my life these days, but honestly i don't mind too much. i feel like what i'm doing right now is enough. and it's nice to know that i am, in fact, completely normal. i kind of like my reality. and i can feel that i'm growing. that i'm kind of pushing myself, in good ways, in the right direction. i feel like that makes me odd--knowing who i want to become. or who i want to become right now, at least. i honestly love kate harding so much. like i honestly don't know if i could really envision my life as it is now without http://overratedlist.com/ 1. being an extrovert 2. watching one's figure 3. time management 4. harry potter runners up: valentine's day, having a significant other, anger, sushi, meeting famous people, diamonds, classic literature, california, books on tape. oh, this has been the most wonderful weekend. i don't know why i've felt like it's been hard for me to feel good lately almost an entire quarter has passed and i haven't updated with much of anything of substance. has anything of substance happened? i think i'm in kind of a good place. this whole lifestyle advisor thing has basically felt like the exact right place for me to be right now, and i hope, really hope, that it will prove to be right the next year. and i didn't do it, that thing i said i was going to do last time. i think it's okay. we are okay, and i will do it when i'm ready, and that's not now, i guess. "you would say no, wouldn't you?" why wouldn't YOU say no, darling? we've had that conversation eight hundred times probably, that's why i laugh, because it's funny to think that it will be different this time. you only say it because you don't like to share, not because you want to be with me. anyways. anyways anyways anyways. http://community.livejournal.com/fatshionista/4576085.html?page=1#comments http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v322/creepymanhug/positive.jpg all these unfinished thoughts, this is the entry i seem to have been working on for two months. they always stay like that, disconnected and inarticulate, and nothing ever gets posted because it feels like everyone else is always so much more put-together. anyways. the quarter is over. it feels like things have been busy and crazy and like they are mostly going the right way. there's this one boy around who tries to make me laugh and shares music with me and and has the most adorable kitten and has lived a life so different from mine. i can't really tell if i think we are cute or awkward, but maybe it doesn't matter, maybe this will amount to nothing and i'll be left with lovely memories. the thing is that, i miss you and i want to be around you and be with you and be myself, but i can't figure out why i feel so quiet when we are together. anyways. anyways anyways anyways. my brother has graduated from high school. it was odd to be back at fort vancouver, and it's odd to think that both of us are out of high school now. and it's odd how much it didn't hurt me to hear you talk about other women, and how i predicted exactly how you would be. and i told you! that if i was getting over you, i was getting over you and not looking back. it's not like we were some match made in heaven anyhow. anyways, it doesn't even matter. doesn't even matter.

thursday, april 16th, 2009 · cmnt · 1 to you: please stay out of my dreams. (you said you didn't want to jerk me around again.) thank you. - me. i think that soon i am going to do something i should have done a long time ago. (i am taking a page from your book, darling. thank you.) i think it's for the best. i think i am ready. i think i can do it. i think i can i think i can. i bought myself a journal, a real paper journal. i don't think i've written in one since i still wrote letters to god. (that was some time ago, wasn't it?) i think i've felt kind of recently like i write less than i used to, because i've always written (although never very well). but, i find snippets of pressing feelings and thoughts everywhere: notebooks for class, post-its on my desk, on my ipod, in my sudoku books, random notepad documents, scraps of paper everywhere. wording things before i say them to people, things i will never ever say to people, how incredibly content i feel, how incredibly helpless and angry i feel, epiphanies as to why i feel these things and why i am the way i am, opinions, lyrics, playlists, desires, ideas, manifestos about being fat and not fucking apologizing, about being feminine and a feminist, about being young and idealistic, about the morality of health, about quality of life. blah blah, white middle-class liberal college student, indulgent and self-absorbed, but i'll never win, and there's no better time than now, i suppose. i think my father sees me as a failure for believing so strongly in everything he is working against. i think he sees me as a failure for a lot of things, but for this, i won't apologize. anyways, i think manchester orchestra is going to redeem my faith in music. actually, i think they've always done that, because they are just fucking good. but this new album just feels right. it's been hard lately to find music that feels like it will let me grow up but still be me.

tuesday, march 10th, 2009 · cmnt you spend your whole life looking for the adult that you are. you spend the rest of your life looking for the child that you were. + this song + kevin devine + playlists for every kind of day + morning drives home + girl scout cookies + drag, of all sorts + how excited i am getting for my next tattoo + facebook lurking + old journal entries, "do you suppose it's snowing in boston?" + shows when i am home over spring break +/- end of the quarter +/- my fabulous paper for women's studies - nearly finishing all of sex and the city - i have apparently lost all skill i ever had with css/html - coldcoldcold weather that won't go away, i am done with snow - lack of sunlight in my room - week-long upset stomachs we learned last week in my cognition class about how when you are sixty years old you'll experience something called a reminiscence bump, and you will remember everything that happened in your life and in the world between the ages of fifteen and thirty better than the things that happened throughout the rest of our lives. and somehow i found that idea so incredibly exciting, maybe because i feel like i actually like who i am becoming. it just made me really excited about my life, somehow, even when i'm not really doing all that much right now. i think knowing that i won't always be here is what makes that feel okay. this week, and finals, and then home. it's going to take all my might to feel okay that all of my memories there since august were with someone who didn't want me around anymore. i am okay, though, almost all of the time. i keep making more plans to occupy my time when i'm there, and i get my dad's truck the entire week he's out of town. i am looking forward to driving more than most things about being home. my routes over the speed limit with the volume up and the windows down. and i will miss the time i'd hoped i would be able to spend with my mom, but in a way it will be nice, to not be back and forth between the two houses. i think i probably need the time completely alone to make peace, anyway.

sunday, february 22nd, 2009 · cmnt · 4 you know when you feel like your heart is falling, literally falling in your chest and you stop and catch yourself feeling like something is ending? i thought i was past that. i'd hoped i was done crying myself to sleep too, but nevermind that. maybe this is why my eyes have been so sore lately. i try to conceal how up and down and up and down, down, down i am most of the time. i don't know if it always works. i don't know if it matters. a friend of mine who you so object to has been calling you a "manchild" lately, and he's not especially impartial, but it feels nice to hear someone say that this wasn't my fault and that somebody else will make me even happier and mean it. and i am so tired. it's biblical how fucked my sleep can be. this weekend was completely exhausting, quick and distracting and fun and exhausting, and i'm afraid to go to bed because the lying there and thinking of everything is the worst part of any day lately. it's the time of year when i not-so-irrationally remember that what's happened to my mom the past few years could very well happen again. i watch sex and the city to soothe myself lately. i feel like i'm vicariously living the lives of a bunch of wealthy women in their thirties living in new york city, but sometimes i can really relate to it, to be honest. i was able to finally articulate a few nights ago what it is that's separated the good relationships with men in my life from the bad ones. i need to be supported--not pushed. and maybe that sounds simple, but i immediately felt better upon pinpointing it. and that's that.

wednesday, december 24th, 2008 · cmnt · 2 tomorrow will be the first christmas in seven years that i don't have to rush to open presents and pack up all my things and run to the other parent's house by 11am. honestly, i started to cry when i had this realization. it sucks a little bit, that my mom will be stuck in california until late tomorrow night, but in a way it feels like an actual holiday and not another day to argue about what time the court papers said we needed to be at whoever's house. even if it hasn't been the most festive christmas, it's really just been nice. as quickly as things went bad, we are back to being normally wonderful, and we have spent the past week trekking through all the snow and looking at christmas lights and huddling in bed drinking cocoa. maybe i have worn myself out on feeling christmas-y. our usual christmas eve service was canceled due to this awful weather, and i was honestly a little disappointed, but probably only for the sake of tradition. so instead we sat in the living room eating indian food and watching it's a wonderful life. i always, always cry at the end. and now i am by the fire and the christmas tree, drinking cocoa and eating one of the cookies i made yesterday. this, this is the most peaceful i have felt in months. i really do wish all of you a very happy christmas. <3

tuesday, december 9th, 2008 · this will be better, eventually. if this isn't good enough for you, then it's certainly not for me.

friday, november 28th, 2008 · cmnt · 5 ( what i am thankful for this year. )

wednesday, october 22nd, 2008 · cmnt · 1 it was when i was boarding the train, the moment before i sat down in my seat and i saw him walking away from the station, hands in his pockets like always, that the reality sunk in that i am falling in love with someone i get to see once every couple of weeks. and it's okay, because he is wonderful, it's just that this is going to take getting used to. because the best part of my day is always, always talking to him on the phone, and when we are together i am almost positive that nothing could really go wrong. and i think for the first time yesterday, i appreciated how lovely bellingham is in the fall. the green moss and the yellow bushes and the red trees. and maybe i just didn't see it last year because i was so absorbed in being self-conscious and crying over alex and missing everybody that everything just blurred together, or maybe everything just seems brighter in general these days. and i don't know. i always do this. i fucking always do this. because it's nice to feel like one of the group, but i think it scares me to fit in anywhere too well, so i separate myself from everybody else in a feeble attempt to save myself from god-knows-what. from being hurt? from being depended on, maybe. i hate that i can see how my relationship with my mom has affected every part of who i am. it just feels like there's something wrong with me for being anti-social. it's not even that i'm especially apologetic about it, because honestly i'm not. i just feel like it's not acceptable to anybody else. and, in other news, you are my sunshine is so, so good. there are very few bands have as much respect for as i have for copeland. how many people could write four incredibly distinct albums that are all so incredibly beautiful?

friday, october 10th, 2008 · cmnt oh, aaron marsh. you never disappoint. <3

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